The 5 White Girls You’ll Meet In Thailand

by Matt Gonzalez 0

The 5 White Girls You’ll Meet In Thailand

For decades white men have flocked to South East Asia with the hopes of snagging a petite, raven haired trophy wife. These seductive Asian goddesses promise age defying beauty, traditional subservience, and most importantly, a welcomed respite from the shrill western woman.

Whether you’re here for the women, the lifestyle, or the ‘culture’, you’re bound to run in to a few of these farang femme fatales. Oh, and if it’s up to you, try not to bring any more with you when you visit.

The Crystal Fondling, Tantric Massaging, Tomato Blending Yogi.

Perhaps the least obnoxious woman on this list can also be classified as the most distinct. If this girl isn’t extolling the virtues of a vegan diet over her warm cup of kimchi tea, she’s booking tickets for next year’s Wonderfruit festival while detoxing in her fan cooled room (air conditioning isn’t cheap, you know). The reason she isn’t so bad is because Thailand provides so many activities for her to participate in that she rarely gets in the way of you and your fun.

Some interesting facts about this girl: She actually does pretty well with Thai guys. Perhaps they’re intrigued by her lack of bra, or maybe they find her boorish Western femininity to be exotic. Buy her a beer and she might actually be a good hang. Also, I’ve never had a tantric hand job, but I imagine it would be an interesting experience.

Oh, also, if you want to get fit, this girl quite often intersects with Cross Fit people. She probably has great cardio and can kick your ass at High Intensity Interval Training.

The Conflicted, Hyper Sensitive, Neo Liberal Snowflake.

First of all, I know ‘snowflake’ is an outdated term but it really encapsulates this archetype. Can we move on? This girl probably came to Thailand with her prettier friend. She’s a notorious cock block around you, but a ‘free love’, Manson family reject when left to her own devices at Kao San Road. Her internal conflict comes from observing Thailand’s ‘old world values’ and the lack of resistance from Thai women. She’s particularly bothered by the red light districts; torn between her hatred of the loathsome sexpat and her progressive support of a woman’s bodily autonomy. She might be the worst on this list because without many people around her to argue with, she will single you out and she will get angry.

Please note that this girl will not buy you drinks, she will not ‘pitch in’ for a group event, she does have a boyfriend back home, and she will complain about you to your agent. The best thing you can do is actively ignore her because that will make her cry.

The Nebbish, Nihilistic, K-Pop Loving Hermit.

You might never actually meet this girl, and that’s ok. She probably grew up sheltered, never left her small town, and only came to Thailand because her parents wanted her out of the house. She carefully budgets her meager savings from a summer of working at Starbucks by eating instant noodles while watching vlogs of people mildly more interesting than herself. She doesn’t not drink, she just doesn’t drink with you… or anyone else for that matter. She’ll occasionally pop in to conversation when you’re discussing plans with coworkers. “Oh her? Yeah I don’t know, I guess we can invite her but you know what she’ll say.”

The funny thing is, she probably hates Thailand and everything about her job. She’s likely checking off milestones in some kind of mass produced bucket list journal so she can vindicate her inconsequential existence when she moves back to Moose Pupil, Ontario.

Oh and she loves K-Pop.

The Blonde Haired, Blue Eyed, White Girl Who, Through Some Twist of Fate, Is Fluent In Thai.

Ok maybe this is not relatable, but have you guys ever met this girl? I met this girl on Tinder in Pattaya and she looked like she should have been serving me powdered hot chocolate in German beer steins. I took her around Walking Street like I was some sort of seasoned expert ordering beer in Thai. Near the end of the night we went in to McDonald’s and after slurring through my order in broken Thai, she stepped in and corrected my pronunciation. She then gave her own order with the confidence and clarity of a Thai national. I was stunned, and honestly quite disturbed. She then drove me back to my hotel on her own motorbike.

Also, important to note, one of my lines in the chat was, “Let’s meet up and I can give you a casting couch audition.” She agreed, and I still don’t know if my line was completely lost in translation or if she was actually down. Anyways… if you see her, don’t mention this article.

The Cute, Friendly, Down to Earth Girl That You Might Have Actually Hooked Up With if You Were in Your Home Country, But Honestly Why Bother When You’re in Thailand?

Sometimes it is nice to have long, thought provoking conversations with a partner who speaks the same language as you. After a couple of years of living in social isolation, her perspective and intimacy could really affect you in a positive way. Your early lives, though separated by geography, probably have a lot in common considering you grew up in the same culture and time period. It’s refreshing to finally find someone who gets your references to pop culture and media. Something about her voice, her mannerisms, her subtly familiar aura makes you nervous and shy. You see your first crush in her. She’s leaving in a month…

But seriously man, it’s like taking sand to the beach. Did you come all the way to Thailand to date some white girl? Probably not.

Now, if there’s anyone I missed, feel free to remind me in the comments and I’ll be sure to do more research on the next list.